My Anxious Life

This post is going to be so embarrassing. These are some stories from my life. I am trying to show what it feels like living with social anxiety. To many, these situations may be normal, but for me these end up being absolute hell.

Living with anxiety is so weird. Something so small and simple can be a whole journey in itself. Every public encounter has to be meticulously planned and prepared for, even if I do it daily. It does get easier with repetition, but then one day there might be a change that can absolutely throw you off, which can cause all sorts of problems.
Beans and Cheese Scenario

One normal aspect of life I find really hard is ordering food or drinks, especially ordering a coffee. There is so much information that I need to remember before I can order, and then actually saying it without messing up is near impossible. I actually really enjoy coffee, and I do like the social aspect of it, when I go out with my friends. However, actually ordering coffee can be a gruelling experience. Sometimes, when I feel like I don’t have the mental capacity to order, I will just tell one of my friends to order two of whatever they are getting, even if I don’t actually fancy what they are having.

Probably my most embarrassing moment in my life came when I was ordering food at lunch time during school. When the dinner lady asked what I would like, I replied, “Please can I have a jacket potato, beans and cheese.” Pretty normal right? But instead of giving me what I had requested, she replied with “Do you want anything with that, a jacket potato, chips?” At that point I was having a meltdown in my head. I did not prepare for this. Why is she asking me this? Anyway, I replied no, hoping she would just give me what I want. What followed was a nightmare. She took out some beans and cheese but NO JACKET POTATO. It was at that moment I knew I f’ed up. Once I realised what had happened, instead of asking for a jacket potato, I got my beans and cheese, paid for it and walked off. I was literally living my nightmare. One of my biggest fears had come to life. My anxiety took control of me and I could not even muster any words in response. All I wanted was a jacket potato.

Self-Imposed Exile
Making friends is a weird aspect of my life. I go through periods in my life where I have a lot of friends and then hardly any. One year I could have too many friends, where it is unbearable. Another year, it can almost feel like I am living life alone and by myself.

Growing up, I played a lot of sport. That was the only way I would make friends. Getting to know people through communication was difficult. There have been many situations in my life where I would sit by myself in a room full of people. I have no problem with that. I find it more comfortable being by myself, than having to talk to a stranger. During my teenage years I did find it hard, when I was alone in some of my classes. Whilst everyone else worked together, I would always get along doing my work by myself. Meeting and getting to know new people was hard. I would shy away from that challenge. The feeling of being uncomfortable around strangers was too much for me to handle, so I would push myself away from those situations.

Since then, my communication skills have improved so much. I am now able to hold a conversation. I don’t actively try to isolate myself from people, but at the same time don’t feel obligated to make friends or get to know people. I really felt that sense of improvement when I went to an assessment day, where one of the candidates was feeling anxious, like myself, but I was able to help her by just talking to her.

The Doctor Will See You Now

I have to see my GP at least couple of times a year about my eczema. It should be something I am used to. It’s the same thing every time. How is your eczema? How are the medications you are using? The answers are always the same. However, I still have to prepare myself. I have to think about all the possible questions I am going to be asked and how I am going to answer. One random question, which I haven’t prepared for, can change my whole mood. From being confident, to feeling like I am losing control of the situation.

That is what happened yesterday, when I went to the opticians. I have to go every two years, but the last time I went was much longer ago. I was trying to put off going, but my parents made me book an appointment. Once the appointment was booked, I tried to think of every question I would be asked. I even looked at the alphabet, just to get used to looking at letters. Once I was there, everything was going fine, until I was asked about my hobbies. This one simple question caught me completely off-guard. This wasn’t in the script. I haven’t prepared for this. How do I answer? Is she expecting a specific answer, or is she just making conversation? Every possible answer went through my mind. After what seemed like a lifetime had passed, I replied with “Oh, just sports.” It was such a simple question, but for me and my mind, it was a test. Unfortunately, one that I did not pass.

Currently, I’ve been overthinking a lot. I have been struggling with it. I guess it has been happening because of the amount of free time I have on my hands. Whether it is something someone said or did, or even something I have done, I keep replaying it in my mind, or coming up with ridiculous theories that make absolutely no sense. Just recently, I keep going down into the kitchen, to check everything is turned off and all the doors are locked, before I go to sleep. One night I went down five times in the space of fifteen minutes. I’ve started to use a technique which has helped me greatly. Whenever I check something, I will click my fingers. It allows me to remember I have completed the task, so I don’t need to keep checking.

Living with anxiety can make day to day life really difficult. Repetition does help, but there is no easy fix. Also, what works for me may not work for other people. For me, having someone that I can communicate with, and talk about anything, has helped me so much. If I am overthinking, I just talk about what’s in my head. There is still a great deal of improvements that I can make. I need to stop isolating myself from my family and friends. I do find comfort in being by myself, but completely detaching myself is not healthy.

Anxiety can make life feel like a burden where you have to overcome challenges on a daily basis, just to survive.

Aleha