Hypermasculinity and stigmatisation of domestic violence sufferers, particularly men, has clouded our society for some time. The narrative has always assumed men to be the perpetrators and women the victims, leaving no room for the possibility that men suffer due to domestic violence too. I refuse to reduce the suffering of women in these conditions, I resonate with this on a personal level - yet I struggle to remove Flack's apparently pervasive addition to the rhetoric that men can't be abused. Burton was indeed attacked - not to the extent that it was portrayed - yet this was burrowed under her suicide.
I won't provide any personal speculation relating to Flack's suicide. Multiple reasons often merge into something major, finally leading to someone's end, and it would be fruitless to ponder. Rather, the response to her death has agitated me, and I'd like to rant about that later.
I won't provide any personal speculation relating to Flack's suicide. Multiple reasons often merge into something major, finally leading to someone's end, and it would be fruitless to ponder. Rather, the response to her death has agitated me, and I'd like to rant about that later.
The 'authentic man' is idealised as someone fit, mentally robust, confident, muscular, successful, someone overtly masculine. To enforce these traits on the male population, whilst criticising their humanity (in the form of emotions, suffering violence, mental illness, femininity, gender and sexual orientation ambiguity) forms the basis of toxic masculinity. Toxic masculinity has determined supposedly elitist norms that men must conform to, especially traditional ideas of the male that must be abided by, otherwise outcasts must be humiliated and dehumanised and destroyed. This differs from healthy masculinity, which doesn't criticise the basic human aspects of us - something as simple as men crying, or showing vulnerability, for example, wouldn't be demonised.
I could never claim to know the exact thought process of Flack or anyone else like her, but I assume she was terrified of her upcoming court appearance. I don't want to speculate the exact reasons behind her suicide as it's no business of mine, but her death has seemed to have automatically fallen under something that's worth immediate sympathy. I have attempted suicide multiple times, I have suicidal ideation on a regular basis - I understand the complexities of mental illness, given that I've been living through it for over half my life. But to disassociate her involvement in the constant negation of men suffering abuse at the hands of their partner is appalling, and no matter what Burton's views on the experience may be, even if he has 'forgiven' Flack posthumously, the situation is being vastly underplayed.
In full view of the general public, appearing on reality television and whatnot, Flack possesses the power to influence many people. The debate of celebrities having a moral obligation to act as role models is regularly discussed; I have no concrete verdict on this, to be honest, but the reality is that people will be influenced by these public figures. People will conform to what is presented to them, some more easily than others, and problematic ideologies will be established from these experiences. It almost sounds pathetic saying this, but if a male celebrity had attacked his female partner with a lamp, he would be destroyed by the media and society alike. Flack was criticised, yes, but the situation was also humoured - attacking someone with a lamp, how bizarre! Certain old tweets of hers referring to lamps were unearthed and used as stamps of top rated humour, ridiculing the situation for its oddness and uncanny Twitter foretellings. Why should a man suffering the blows of domestic violence be so openly ridiculed? Why has this become the conscious decision of many, rather than understanding the severity of the situation and its impact on toxic masculinity ideologies? She can't be held accountable for her actions, and the situation has been buried under the rubble of sympathy and mental health awareness. She shouldn't be slandered, no, but the truth should be discussed. Conversations about female-on-male violence should be brought up.
I have to hold back on my commentary on mental health awareness, as the risk of blowing a blood vessel. It's always been the same meagre shit peddled to us by public figures pretending to give a fuck. Not to downplay the destructiveness of depression and anxiety, given that that is what my life is made up of, but mental illness is not just that. Various illnesses work in complex ways with the singular goal of tainting one's life, and that routinely goes unnoticed. People have been quick to preach about universal kindness after every suicide, plugging mental health awareness into the mix, yet awareness of the various debilitating illnesses plaguing people's lives is not-existent. Where's the influx of posts and hashtags for personality disorders, though disorders, eating disorders? What the fuck does kindness do, exactly, in a society where the root of the problem is actually avoiding factual information and accessibility to mental health services? Masquerading as an advocate for mental health awareness sure is easy, as all you have to do is shout about kindness from your rooftop and list banal self-care concepts as a cure for deep-rooted illness that incapacitate you, reducing you to absolutely nothing.
It's became painstakingly easy to manipulate the narrative so much so that we think we're looking out for each other, when in fact we're just pushing the problem under the rug. Where we need a gargantuan overhaul of current mental health treatment, in order to exist as an accessible means of effective treatment, we falter. Where we need awareness of multiple mental illnesses, we fall silent, because psychotic people are crazy fuckers, bulimics are vile and borderlines are manipulative cunts. We are curiously detached from the painful lives so many of us lead, broken by severe mental health issues, yet kindness is plugged as the cure for all. Sure, a positive outlook on life and the projection of niceness and love and joy limits the negativity of life, but it doesn't cure us. It doesn't treat us. The same shit trends every time someone commits suicide, with sheeple supposedly commencing on their journey to universal kindness for internet points, failing to follow through in the most basic of ways. They won't even consider offering a hand to a schizophrenic, instead humiliating them on a public platform for jokes, yet they'll retweet shit about kindness plenty of times.
I recoil in anger every time some variation of "Be Kind" trends online. It's become an absolute joke. Extending niceties is great of course, I'd imagine many of us don't want to live within hostile communities, yet the root of the issue is never touched upon. Kindness in the form of checking up on your sad friends once every couple of months doesn't do shit. Preaching about kindness, only to humiliate someone online, destroys the original intention entirely. Advocating for kindness in a world where the mentally ill are discarded with no means of survival is a fucking joke, and I feel my own anger at the world continue to grow when I see this shit trending.
Many people aren't emotionally capable of lending an ear to us. I don't blame them for that - it takes a lot to replace the function of a therapist, and in terms of longevity it often spirals out of control. One party will end up feeling inundated by the influx of crippling trauma passed to them, whilst the other will feel a mix of relief in having someone to talk to alongside the fear that it's too much for them to bare - which it very well could be. Passing our troubles to others under the guise of kindness is not an appropriate measure. Acting as a therapist for your severely ill friend is not a plausible option.
I'm not wanting to diminish the efforts some people will go to, in order to look out for their mentally ill friends and family, but it simply doesn't work as an absolute solution. I'm sure some examples of kindness have changed some people's lives for the better, but this has never applied to me. Someone's consistent kindness will make my day easier, sure, and if they chose to listen to me relay my traumas that could temporarily relieve me of some anxiety, but its true benefits don't go any further than that. I continue to suffer.
Without access to trained professionals, medication, de-stigmatisation of lesser-discussed mental illnesses, supportive communities and genuine, genuine regard for our welfare, we won't be recovering any time soon. We won't be able to develop a better quality of life just because of your hashtags.
That's why the response to Flack's suicide, as well as many other public figures in the same boat, continues to anger me. Everyone can jump on the kindness bandwagon quickly, but pressure on authoritative figures to make some seriously needed changes in the treatment of mental illness is scarce.
This is all on a very personal note. Perhaps you disagree entirely, and feel that 'spreading awareness about universal kindness' is beneficial. I have to wholeheartedly disagree. The awareness spread is often short-lived, the message delivers hypocritical and the effect of kindness incredibly weak against the power of debilitating mental illnesses.
No one's kindness could alter the severity of my illnesses and the degree to which my life is impacted. We're all different, sure - but for me, these gestures don't stick around. The negativity I encounter on a regular basis from doctors, therapists and psychiatrists is what sticks with me. The mistreatment, stigmatisation and outright abysmal bullying and isolation I've encountered sticks with me. That's the shit that needs to change. You can be kind and loving and good, but that doesn't change my suffering.
Zack
I recoil in anger every time some variation of "Be Kind" trends online. It's become an absolute joke. Extending niceties is great of course, I'd imagine many of us don't want to live within hostile communities, yet the root of the issue is never touched upon. Kindness in the form of checking up on your sad friends once every couple of months doesn't do shit. Preaching about kindness, only to humiliate someone online, destroys the original intention entirely. Advocating for kindness in a world where the mentally ill are discarded with no means of survival is a fucking joke, and I feel my own anger at the world continue to grow when I see this shit trending.
Many people aren't emotionally capable of lending an ear to us. I don't blame them for that - it takes a lot to replace the function of a therapist, and in terms of longevity it often spirals out of control. One party will end up feeling inundated by the influx of crippling trauma passed to them, whilst the other will feel a mix of relief in having someone to talk to alongside the fear that it's too much for them to bare - which it very well could be. Passing our troubles to others under the guise of kindness is not an appropriate measure. Acting as a therapist for your severely ill friend is not a plausible option.
I'm not wanting to diminish the efforts some people will go to, in order to look out for their mentally ill friends and family, but it simply doesn't work as an absolute solution. I'm sure some examples of kindness have changed some people's lives for the better, but this has never applied to me. Someone's consistent kindness will make my day easier, sure, and if they chose to listen to me relay my traumas that could temporarily relieve me of some anxiety, but its true benefits don't go any further than that. I continue to suffer.
Without access to trained professionals, medication, de-stigmatisation of lesser-discussed mental illnesses, supportive communities and genuine, genuine regard for our welfare, we won't be recovering any time soon. We won't be able to develop a better quality of life just because of your hashtags.
That's why the response to Flack's suicide, as well as many other public figures in the same boat, continues to anger me. Everyone can jump on the kindness bandwagon quickly, but pressure on authoritative figures to make some seriously needed changes in the treatment of mental illness is scarce.
This is all on a very personal note. Perhaps you disagree entirely, and feel that 'spreading awareness about universal kindness' is beneficial. I have to wholeheartedly disagree. The awareness spread is often short-lived, the message delivers hypocritical and the effect of kindness incredibly weak against the power of debilitating mental illnesses.
No one's kindness could alter the severity of my illnesses and the degree to which my life is impacted. We're all different, sure - but for me, these gestures don't stick around. The negativity I encounter on a regular basis from doctors, therapists and psychiatrists is what sticks with me. The mistreatment, stigmatisation and outright abysmal bullying and isolation I've encountered sticks with me. That's the shit that needs to change. You can be kind and loving and good, but that doesn't change my suffering.
Zack
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